Well, it has been quite a while since I last posted. This post has been ongoing in my mind for the last 7 years. I have sat down to write it countless times and I can never seem to find the words or enough tissues to get through it. I have asked my mom for permission to write this and I pray it is received with love and some sort of ability to relate it to your own life.
This story is told from my perspective and my understanding of how it all happened. That doesn't mean every detail is spot on but you get the gist of it.
My mom was young when she was struck by a car that did some damage to her back. She had a disc fusion and pushed through life by having my brother and I earlier than she and my dad had planned to. The doctors told her there was a possibility of having complications if she waited too long to have children due to her back injury. Fast forward 17 years. I was a junior in high school and my brother was a freshman in college. The rest of this story is told over a span of 7 years. My mom had been through a few procedures that were back related and also woman related. Things slowly started going down hill afterwards. My mom was very ill but you wouldn't be able to tell from the outside. She is excellent at putting on a happy face (something I wish I could inherit from her). When I tell you the next part, keep in mind that my mom was on 20+ different medications, over half of which she should not have been on. I moved away for college for a semester but quickly moved back home for several reasons, one of which was my mom. I decided to go to school near home so I could be there to help take care of her with my dad. There were days I would come home and mom would not know who I was. She would ask what my name is and what am I doing in her house. We would watch TV series and she couldn't remember what happened week to week. She told my dad to divorce her because this isn't what he signed up for. She couldn't walk on her own at times due to the muscle relaxers shutting her muscles down. We took many trips to the doctor and a few to the ER for a split head, concussions, burns, and dehydration. I carried a list of her medications with me in my wallet because I couldn't remember everything she was taking (and neither could she). This had become my new life style and I was okay with it. As a teenager, I never imagined having to take care of my mom or that our roles would reverse at such a young age but I loved my mom deeply and I was going to do whatever I could to take care of her and keep her alive. Without going into details, my mom had a pain management doctor that almost killed her. I haven't seen my dad cry many times in my life up until this point. We bawled our eyes out one night on the family room floor because we both thought mom was going to die. Not long after that, my dad, brother, and I visited her in a private hospital on Christmas because she was one day away from liver failure. She had to be taken off of some medications while being monitored for 24 hours a day by a nurse to make sure her body didn't shut down. Fortunately, we brought her home a few days later and she was seemingly on the uphill. She was still loopy at times and couldn't remember everything but she seemed to have a little more life in her. Mom was pushing through, getting off of more medications and becoming the mommy I once knew. It was a 3 steps forward, 2 steps back process for the next several years. Eventually she got off of her strong medications and was able to keep up with life and all the memories that were made. Because she got off of those medications, she experienced extreme pain and barely got a full night's rest once a week, but she at least knew who we were and laughed every once in a while. Over the last few years she has been fighting the pain, along with fighting doctors that want to put her on strong medication. She has been ill with things such as shingles, staph infections, restless leg syndrome, neuropathy, fibromyalgia, insomnia, vitamin B deficiency, iron deficiency, an undiagnosed stomach illness, a tumor in her stomach, and several others that I can't think of at the moment.
Why did I share all of this with you??
I can't express the feelings of sadness, anger, bitterness, resentment, confusion, lack of trust, doubt, unbelief, worry, fear, sickness, and hatred that I experienced over the last 7 years. Not to mention, through the beginning of all of this, I was in an abusive and unhealthy relationship that I couldn't get out of because I didn't want to add to my dad's list of problems in his life. So to say that I was in way over my head is an understatement. The whole thing has consumed my life for the past 7 years and I've made many life decisions around the fact that my mom might get sick and need me again. I planned my days around her, my trips around her, my jobs around her, and even my friendships and relationships around her. The way that I chose to live my life being consumed by the situation had nothing to do with my mom. It had everything to do with control and fear. I felt like if I could be there, she would be okay. I found comfort in being needed and being a fixer. All of the lies that I told myself gave Satan all the more power to help me believe those lies.
I can tell you that where I am now is a far better place than where I was just a year ago, and much better than where I was 3 years ago. My mom is doing much better now but she is still medically ill. She will argue with me that she isn't sick but because her brain, attitude, spirit and relationships are all healthy, she reminds me that I need to look at the positive and not the negative. I'm thankful for that reminder.
My brother and I have become best friends over the last couple of years but it hasn't come easy. I had a lot of resentment towards him because he was away at college while I was at home taking care of my mom and many other "grown up" things. I heard far more than a child ever should have to hear, I dealt with bills, grocery shopping, cooking, doctors appointments, and much more on top of taking care of my mom, my school work and my job. My brother wasn't having to do any of that and I was angry at him for something he knew very little about. My dad didn't think it would do any good for him to be as involved as we were since there was nothing he could do and he didn't want him giving up his school to move home. Where I am now, I completely understand that. Where I was then, I didn't understand it or agree with it. A couple of years ago, my brother and I had a six hour talk about why I was the way I was towards him. In the end, I realized that it was me and not him. He didn't owe me an apology, he didn't owe me anything. I was the one asking for forgiveness and praying that our relationship would be healed and we could move forward. I'm thankful to say that we have succeeded in that.
It has taken me many years, counseling, retreats, pep talks, a whole lot of tears, a whole lot of scripture and a whole lot of time with my Savior to get to where I am today. I still struggle with wanting to control my mom's health situation and I still have that stomach-in-your-chest-feeling when she goes to the doctor. But what's different in the way that I handle it is that I have put my trust in Jesus and I know that he is ultimately in control. I know all of us have control and trust issues so I hope you can relate to this in some way. I want to encourage you to put your faith, hope, trust and love in Jesus. He is the ultimate healer and there's nothing too big for him to handle. Stop carrying around the baggage that you have. There will come a day when we see Him face to face and I want to be able to say "I fully trusted in you, Jesus". I am beyond thankful for my mom and the new back-to-normal relationship that we have now. She is my best friend, she is my rock and she pushes me towards the cross daily. Something she once told me was that she believes God chose this path for her so that she could have her 2 children and be a witness to people telling them that it's about how you choose to live your life regardless of the circumstances you're given. She loves Jesus and it's evident in her outlook on life. She is the world's greatest mom and I'm thankful God chose her for me.
Words cannot express how joyful I am to actually post this. It has been such a long road to get here and I'm very thankful that this is part of my journey and story. I learned a lot about doctors and medicine, myself, my parents, but most importantly about God. I pray that whatever journey you are on right now that you are seeking Truth, and finding rest in Him. I promise there is nothing in this world that can bring you more happiness, joy, hope, and love than He can. Keep pressing forward and know that you are not alone.
I love you, mom.
