I AM good enough, and so are you.

This is not a typical blog and what I mean by typical is that it does not go in chronological order. I have stories from 6 years ago that I want to share and I have stories to share that will happen 6 hours from now. I will do my best to give you the time frame and try to not make it confusing!

This story goes back to February 3 years ago. This was a couple of weeks before my “born again” moment. My dad was (and still is) a part of an organization called Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA). He has been a volunteer for 10+ years and has been extremely faithful to them and helps with whatever he can. They (FCA) host a camp at Sky Ranch in Texas called Weekend of Champions and it’s just for sixth, seventh, and eighth graders all over Texas. In a nutshell, they have a band, different speakers, food, fun games/competitions and activities planned, little sleep for the 42 hours, but most importantly the kids hear the Gospel and are encouraged to make a profession of faith or step up in their schools and be a Christ-like example! The biggest part to this camp are the volunteers… college kids and some right out of college kids…we refer to them as the Huddle Leaders. The way it works is the Huddle Leaders gather an hour or so before camp starts, are given their list of girls or guys that will be in their huddle for the weekend (4-8 kids per huddle), are given a run-down on what to do, pray together, and get fired up about the lack of sleep and screaming kids they will be around all weekend. I promise it’s a blast! Well on this particular year, my dad asked me to help with check-in for the Huddle Leaders. I had helped with other things for the organization but this was my first camp to serve at. I was good at asking you your name, putting a check by your name, giving you a badge and telling you what to do. It was an exciting atmosphere because there were a lot of college kids there hanging out, exchanging stories, eating pizza, and laughing at stupid jokes. However, I knew that in just a couple of hours they would be in charge of leading a huddle of guys or girls in a bible study/discussion and the thought of that terrified me. I was raised in a Christian home and made a profession of faith when I was 7 and knew the typical Bible stories. But ever since I broke off on my own path at 16, I wasn’t reading my Bible or living a life that I considered “good enough” to be in the role of a huddle leader. I WAS FAR FROM GOOD ENOUGH. I was very content with my “registration girl” role. Towards the end of check-in one of the men in charge of the huddle leaders told me that we had a female huddle leader call and say she wasn’t going to make it due to illness or something. So I went into problem solving mode and said “ok, we’ll just have to split these girls up into other huddles and that will solve the problem”. Chauncey (the man in charge) told me that the huddle was the youngest huddle and the girls couldn’t be split up with older girls and it would throw all of the competition matches off, and blah blah blah…. I was brainstorming ideas of what to do with the situation and little did I know that I was being tricked into this “plan”. Chauncey looks at me and says “Do you think you can be their huddle leader? You are going to school to be a teacher and you are great with kids so this would be perfect for you!” ………………………………………………………………………………......................................

I felt a lump in my throat, rocks in my stomach and I’m not sure where my heart went because it was no longer in my chest. <In my head I answered in a loud, screaming, terrifying voice> HECK NO I can’t be a huddle leader!! Do you have any idea what I’ve been doing on my Friday and Saturday nights and what kind of relationship I’m in and that I haven’t been to church in years, and that I don’t know anything about the Bible except that Jesus wept and Jonah was swallowed by a whale, and come to think of it, I don’t even remember that story now….And I have bad knees, hips, and haven’t run the distance from my mailbox to my house in a few years and I’m supposed to compete in these games to make a fool out of myself and show my terrible sportsmanship when I face plant and lose these games?!?!? Of course I can’t be in charge of 6 young precious girls lives who will ask me questions like I imagine them to ask in Seminary. I’m supposed to lead, be an example, pray out loud, and cheer and smile when we lose a competition?!?! I don’t think you could have asked a more wrong person than me! I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH... So due to my (lack of) response Chauncey says… “You can do it. I’ll put another huddle leader in your group that’s a strong believer and y’all will make a perfect team.”... Waaaaaait a second... If you can put another huddle leader in my group why do you need me to stay and help?? I never asked that question out loud because I had this overwhelming feeling of what I know now as the Holy Spirit and I felt somewhat calm about it. I never responded except with a blank stare and half smile. 2 minutes later when I was handed my badge, list of girl’s names, campus map, and a “go get ‘em” whack on back, I was TERRIFIED. Where did that Holy Spirit comforting feeling go?? As I went to tell my dad this horrifying news I stopped off in the bathroom and cried and shook so nervously and tried to think of ways that I could get out of this mess. I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Now I am a pretty outgoing, strong-willed, sometimes way too loud, obnoxious laugh, immature at times kinda girl but I’ve never been so quiet and scared in my life than at this very moment...

Let’s just fast forward through the 42 hours and get to reflection part… I’ve never felt more broken in my life. A good broken. A scared broken. A worried broken. A confused broken. A happy broken. A “what the heck just happened?” broken. A numb broken. A good broken. A broken hearted broken. An ashamed broken. A fearful of the future broken. A sick to my stomach broken. I’ve had many world-rocking experiences and this is definitely on the top 3 list. GOD spoke through me, used me, and shined HIS light through me. I can honestly tell you that I have ZERO recollection of ANYTHING I said that weekend. I prayed out loud in front of 20+ middle school & college girls, 4 of my huddle girls asked Jesus to be their Savior, 1 of my huddle girls shared that she was being pressured to use drugs and didn’t know what to do, another girl told me that she was being picked on at school for being in the band and wanted to quit because she didn’t know how to handle it, and sure enough, to top it off, the other huddle leader in my group was in the SAME boat as me. Her friend convinced her to come to camp because it was “so much fun”. She didn’t know what it was all about. We both had our hearts broken that weekend and it was a dang good feeling. God deserves every ounce of glory and honor from that weekend because I was just His available, imperfect vessel that He chose to use to reach those girls and even reach myself. John 15:5 says “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

 Nobody knew what I was going through at this time and I sure as heck wasn’t sharing it with anybody either. I had a HUGE decision to make when I got home and that was to run as far away from an abusive relationship as possible. I wasn’t ready to face that challenge and I came up with as many excuses as possible to avoid it. Although you can’t deny what happened to my soul that weekend, I couldn’t go back and face reality either. (Just in case you haven’t figured it out or put the pieces together, I did break away from that relationship a few weeks later and boy was it a freeing feeling).

On my drive home from camp I had a voice in my head that kept saying over and over and over again, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! Jesus was right, I was and am good enough. And I deserved much better than the life I was living. I also owed my life to Christ for Him to use me. I’m good enough because I have Him. Without Him, I am nothing.

All of this to say… YOU are good enough. YOU are capable. YOU are beautiful. YOU have what it takes. Let God use YOU. Don’t worry about what Biblical knowledge you do (or don’t) have, don’t worry about what you’re going to say or if you have to pray out loud. Who cares if you used drugs, slept around, were an alcoholic, have tattoos/piercings, struggle with pornography, are divorced, use foul language, listen to crap music, have an eating disorder, cut yourself, or anything else that makes you feel discounted or damaged… Jesus uses the imperfect, jacked up, messy, unprepared people to show others (and yourself) who He is and how we are saved by Grace and that it is never too late to turn to Him and live a life that is pleasing to Him. He is my Redeemer, will you let Him be yours? Someone somewhere is waiting on YOU. Someone somewhere is watching YOU. Someone somewhere is listening to YOU. Who else is going to show them and tell them about Jesus if YOU don’t? Your life is your testimony if you allow it to be. Be willing. Be available. Be obedient.

To daddy and Chauncey: your “trick” was part of God's plan and I'm not sure you really understand how much your roles played a part in it. It worked and my life will never be the same. For that, I am so thankful.