World's Greatest Mom

Well, it has been quite a while since I last posted. This post has been ongoing in my mind for the last 7 years. I have sat down to write it countless times and I can never seem to find the words or enough tissues to get through it. I have asked my mom for permission to write this and I pray it is received with love and some sort of ability to relate it to your own life.

This story is told from my perspective and my understanding of how it all happened. That doesn't mean every detail is spot on but you get the gist of it.

My mom was young when she was struck by a car that did some damage to her back. She had a disc fusion and pushed through life by having my brother and I earlier than she and my dad had planned to. The doctors told her there was a possibility of having complications if she waited too long to have children due to her back injury. Fast forward 17 years. I was a junior in high school and my brother was a freshman in college. The rest of this story is told over a span of 7 years. My mom had been through a few procedures that were back related and also woman related. Things slowly started going down hill afterwards. My mom was very ill but you wouldn't be able to tell from the outside. She is excellent at putting on a happy face (something I wish I could inherit from her). When I tell you the next part, keep in mind that my mom was on 20+ different medications, over half of which she should not have been on.  I moved away for college for a semester but quickly moved back home for several reasons, one of which was my mom. I decided to go to school near home so I could be there to help take care of her with my dad. There were days I would come home and mom would not know who I was. She would ask what my name is and what am I doing in her house. We would watch TV series and she couldn't remember what happened week to week. She told my dad to divorce her because this isn't what he signed up for. She couldn't walk on her own at times due to the muscle relaxers shutting her muscles down. We took many trips to the doctor and a few to the ER for a split head, concussions, burns, and dehydration. I carried a list of her medications with me in my wallet because I couldn't remember everything she was taking (and neither could she). This had become my new life style and I was okay with it. As a teenager, I never imagined having to take care of my mom or that our roles would reverse at such a young age but I loved my mom deeply and I was going to do whatever I could to take care of her and keep her alive. Without going into details, my mom had a pain management doctor that almost killed her. I haven't seen my dad cry many times in my life up until this point. We bawled our eyes out one night on the family room floor because we both thought mom was going to die. Not long after that,  my dad, brother, and I visited her in a private hospital on Christmas because she was one day away from liver failure. She had to be taken off of some medications while being monitored for 24 hours a day by a nurse to make sure her body didn't shut down. Fortunately, we brought her home a few days later and she was seemingly on the uphill. She was still loopy at times and couldn't remember everything but she seemed to have a little more life in her. Mom was pushing through, getting off of more medications and becoming the mommy I once knew. It was a 3 steps forward, 2 steps back process for the next several years. Eventually she got off of her strong medications and was able to keep up with life and all the memories that were made. Because she got off of those medications, she experienced extreme pain and barely got a full night's rest once a week, but she at least knew who we were and laughed every once in a while. Over the last few years she has been fighting the pain, along with fighting doctors that want to put her on strong medication. She has been ill with things such as shingles, staph infections,  restless leg syndrome, neuropathy, fibromyalgia, insomnia, vitamin B deficiency, iron deficiency, an undiagnosed stomach illness, a tumor in her stomach, and several others that I can't think of at the moment.

Why did I share all of this with you??

I can't express the feelings of sadness, anger, bitterness, resentment, confusion, lack of trust, doubt, unbelief, worry, fear, sickness, and hatred that I experienced over the last 7 years. Not to mention, through the beginning of all of this, I was in an abusive and unhealthy relationship that I couldn't get out of because I didn't want to add to my dad's list of problems in his life. So to say that I was in way over my head is an understatement. The whole thing has consumed my life for the past 7 years and I've made many life decisions around the fact that my mom might get sick and need me again. I planned my days around her, my trips around her, my jobs around her, and even my friendships and relationships around her. The way that I chose to live my life being consumed by the situation had nothing to do with my mom. It had everything to do with control and fear. I felt like if I could be there, she would be okay. I found comfort in being needed and being a fixer. All of the lies that I told myself gave Satan all the more power to help me believe those lies.

I can tell you that where I am now is a far better place than where I was just a year ago, and much better than where I was 3 years ago. My mom is doing much better now but she is still medically ill. She will argue with me that she isn't sick but because her brain, attitude, spirit and relationships are all healthy, she reminds me that I need to look at the positive and not the negative. I'm thankful for that reminder.

My brother and I have become best friends over the last couple of years but it hasn't come easy. I had a lot of resentment towards him because he was away at college while I was at home taking care of my mom and many other "grown up" things. I heard far more than a child ever should have to hear, I dealt with bills, grocery shopping, cooking, doctors appointments, and much more on top of taking care of my mom, my school work and my job. My brother wasn't having to do any of that and I was angry at him for something he knew very little about. My dad didn't think it would do any good for him to be as involved as we were since there was nothing he could do and he didn't want him giving up his school to move home. Where I am now, I completely understand that. Where I was then, I didn't understand it or agree with it.  A couple of years ago, my brother and I had a six hour talk about why I was the way I was towards him. In the end, I realized that it was me and not him. He didn't owe me an apology, he didn't owe me anything. I was the one asking for forgiveness and praying that our relationship would be healed and we could move forward. I'm thankful to say that we have succeeded in that.

It has taken me many years, counseling, retreats, pep talks, a whole lot of tears, a whole lot of scripture and a whole lot of time with my Savior to get to where I am today. I still struggle with wanting to control my mom's health situation and I still have that stomach-in-your-chest-feeling when she goes to the doctor. But what's different in the way that I handle it is that I have put my trust in Jesus and I know that he is ultimately in control. I know all of us have control and trust issues so I hope you can relate to this in some way. I want to encourage you to put your faith, hope, trust and love in Jesus. He is the ultimate healer and there's nothing too big for him to handle. Stop carrying around the baggage that you have. There will come a day when we see Him face to face and I want to be able to say "I fully trusted in you, Jesus". I am beyond thankful for my mom and the new back-to-normal relationship that we have now. She is my best friend, she is my rock and she pushes me towards the cross daily. Something she once told me was that she believes God chose this path for her so that she could have her 2 children and be a witness to people telling them that it's about how you choose to live your life regardless of the circumstances you're given. She loves Jesus and it's evident in her outlook on life. She is the world's greatest mom and I'm thankful God chose her for me.

Words cannot express how joyful I am to actually post this. It has been such a long road to get here and I'm very thankful that this is part of my journey and story. I learned a lot about doctors and medicine, myself, my parents, but most importantly about God. I pray that whatever journey you are on right now that you are seeking Truth, and finding rest in Him. I promise there is nothing in this world that can bring you more happiness, joy, hope, and love than He can. Keep pressing forward and know that you are not alone.





I love you, mom.

I AM good enough, and so are you.

This is not a typical blog and what I mean by typical is that it does not go in chronological order. I have stories from 6 years ago that I want to share and I have stories to share that will happen 6 hours from now. I will do my best to give you the time frame and try to not make it confusing!

This story goes back to February 3 years ago. This was a couple of weeks before my “born again” moment. My dad was (and still is) a part of an organization called Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA). He has been a volunteer for 10+ years and has been extremely faithful to them and helps with whatever he can. They (FCA) host a camp at Sky Ranch in Texas called Weekend of Champions and it’s just for sixth, seventh, and eighth graders all over Texas. In a nutshell, they have a band, different speakers, food, fun games/competitions and activities planned, little sleep for the 42 hours, but most importantly the kids hear the Gospel and are encouraged to make a profession of faith or step up in their schools and be a Christ-like example! The biggest part to this camp are the volunteers… college kids and some right out of college kids…we refer to them as the Huddle Leaders. The way it works is the Huddle Leaders gather an hour or so before camp starts, are given their list of girls or guys that will be in their huddle for the weekend (4-8 kids per huddle), are given a run-down on what to do, pray together, and get fired up about the lack of sleep and screaming kids they will be around all weekend. I promise it’s a blast! Well on this particular year, my dad asked me to help with check-in for the Huddle Leaders. I had helped with other things for the organization but this was my first camp to serve at. I was good at asking you your name, putting a check by your name, giving you a badge and telling you what to do. It was an exciting atmosphere because there were a lot of college kids there hanging out, exchanging stories, eating pizza, and laughing at stupid jokes. However, I knew that in just a couple of hours they would be in charge of leading a huddle of guys or girls in a bible study/discussion and the thought of that terrified me. I was raised in a Christian home and made a profession of faith when I was 7 and knew the typical Bible stories. But ever since I broke off on my own path at 16, I wasn’t reading my Bible or living a life that I considered “good enough” to be in the role of a huddle leader. I WAS FAR FROM GOOD ENOUGH. I was very content with my “registration girl” role. Towards the end of check-in one of the men in charge of the huddle leaders told me that we had a female huddle leader call and say she wasn’t going to make it due to illness or something. So I went into problem solving mode and said “ok, we’ll just have to split these girls up into other huddles and that will solve the problem”. Chauncey (the man in charge) told me that the huddle was the youngest huddle and the girls couldn’t be split up with older girls and it would throw all of the competition matches off, and blah blah blah…. I was brainstorming ideas of what to do with the situation and little did I know that I was being tricked into this “plan”. Chauncey looks at me and says “Do you think you can be their huddle leader? You are going to school to be a teacher and you are great with kids so this would be perfect for you!” ………………………………………………………………………………......................................

I felt a lump in my throat, rocks in my stomach and I’m not sure where my heart went because it was no longer in my chest. <In my head I answered in a loud, screaming, terrifying voice> HECK NO I can’t be a huddle leader!! Do you have any idea what I’ve been doing on my Friday and Saturday nights and what kind of relationship I’m in and that I haven’t been to church in years, and that I don’t know anything about the Bible except that Jesus wept and Jonah was swallowed by a whale, and come to think of it, I don’t even remember that story now….And I have bad knees, hips, and haven’t run the distance from my mailbox to my house in a few years and I’m supposed to compete in these games to make a fool out of myself and show my terrible sportsmanship when I face plant and lose these games?!?!? Of course I can’t be in charge of 6 young precious girls lives who will ask me questions like I imagine them to ask in Seminary. I’m supposed to lead, be an example, pray out loud, and cheer and smile when we lose a competition?!?! I don’t think you could have asked a more wrong person than me! I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH... So due to my (lack of) response Chauncey says… “You can do it. I’ll put another huddle leader in your group that’s a strong believer and y’all will make a perfect team.”... Waaaaaait a second... If you can put another huddle leader in my group why do you need me to stay and help?? I never asked that question out loud because I had this overwhelming feeling of what I know now as the Holy Spirit and I felt somewhat calm about it. I never responded except with a blank stare and half smile. 2 minutes later when I was handed my badge, list of girl’s names, campus map, and a “go get ‘em” whack on back, I was TERRIFIED. Where did that Holy Spirit comforting feeling go?? As I went to tell my dad this horrifying news I stopped off in the bathroom and cried and shook so nervously and tried to think of ways that I could get out of this mess. I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Now I am a pretty outgoing, strong-willed, sometimes way too loud, obnoxious laugh, immature at times kinda girl but I’ve never been so quiet and scared in my life than at this very moment...

Let’s just fast forward through the 42 hours and get to reflection part… I’ve never felt more broken in my life. A good broken. A scared broken. A worried broken. A confused broken. A happy broken. A “what the heck just happened?” broken. A numb broken. A good broken. A broken hearted broken. An ashamed broken. A fearful of the future broken. A sick to my stomach broken. I’ve had many world-rocking experiences and this is definitely on the top 3 list. GOD spoke through me, used me, and shined HIS light through me. I can honestly tell you that I have ZERO recollection of ANYTHING I said that weekend. I prayed out loud in front of 20+ middle school & college girls, 4 of my huddle girls asked Jesus to be their Savior, 1 of my huddle girls shared that she was being pressured to use drugs and didn’t know what to do, another girl told me that she was being picked on at school for being in the band and wanted to quit because she didn’t know how to handle it, and sure enough, to top it off, the other huddle leader in my group was in the SAME boat as me. Her friend convinced her to come to camp because it was “so much fun”. She didn’t know what it was all about. We both had our hearts broken that weekend and it was a dang good feeling. God deserves every ounce of glory and honor from that weekend because I was just His available, imperfect vessel that He chose to use to reach those girls and even reach myself. John 15:5 says “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

 Nobody knew what I was going through at this time and I sure as heck wasn’t sharing it with anybody either. I had a HUGE decision to make when I got home and that was to run as far away from an abusive relationship as possible. I wasn’t ready to face that challenge and I came up with as many excuses as possible to avoid it. Although you can’t deny what happened to my soul that weekend, I couldn’t go back and face reality either. (Just in case you haven’t figured it out or put the pieces together, I did break away from that relationship a few weeks later and boy was it a freeing feeling).

On my drive home from camp I had a voice in my head that kept saying over and over and over again, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! Jesus was right, I was and am good enough. And I deserved much better than the life I was living. I also owed my life to Christ for Him to use me. I’m good enough because I have Him. Without Him, I am nothing.

All of this to say… YOU are good enough. YOU are capable. YOU are beautiful. YOU have what it takes. Let God use YOU. Don’t worry about what Biblical knowledge you do (or don’t) have, don’t worry about what you’re going to say or if you have to pray out loud. Who cares if you used drugs, slept around, were an alcoholic, have tattoos/piercings, struggle with pornography, are divorced, use foul language, listen to crap music, have an eating disorder, cut yourself, or anything else that makes you feel discounted or damaged… Jesus uses the imperfect, jacked up, messy, unprepared people to show others (and yourself) who He is and how we are saved by Grace and that it is never too late to turn to Him and live a life that is pleasing to Him. He is my Redeemer, will you let Him be yours? Someone somewhere is waiting on YOU. Someone somewhere is watching YOU. Someone somewhere is listening to YOU. Who else is going to show them and tell them about Jesus if YOU don’t? Your life is your testimony if you allow it to be. Be willing. Be available. Be obedient.

To daddy and Chauncey: your “trick” was part of God's plan and I'm not sure you really understand how much your roles played a part in it. It worked and my life will never be the same. For that, I am so thankful.

I Challenge YOU!

Due to being sick for the last 24 hours, I’ve found a new way to feel productive…this is it! Getting my words, stories, thoughts, beliefs, anger, uncertainties, joy, and love on “paper” is such an incredible feeling. I feel like I have bottled so much up over the last few years that I’m struggling with staying focused on one story at a time. My mind is all over the place! Before I begin this one, I want everyone to know that this is something that I have felt God leading me to do for quite a while but have procrastinated with every possible excuse. These stories are about my life and others lives, but most importantly I want you to understand that NONE of this would be possible if it weren’t for my eternal Father, His never ending love and grace. Obviously my decisions (some very poor) were made by me, flesh and full of sin, but God has redeemed my life and I so badly want Him to use it up for His Kingdom! I don’t want any credit, any glory, it’s not about me. I want to reach others with my “mess” and show them who loves them more than anyone else in the whole universe. No matter what “screwed up” life you may have, nothing is too bad, messy, destroyed, too old, far away, or too late for God to heal and redeem your life… Deuteronomy 31:6 says “He will not fail you or forsake you.”. Ultimately it is up to you to make the decision to have Jesus in your heart and live a life accordingly. Sometimes I’m known for not having a filter (on my mouth)…I am getting better at it but I don’t plan on holding much back and I ask you to be a little open-minded and remember that our stories can help reach others and save them from an eternity in Hell.

 I CHALLENGE YOU…

<This took place about 4 months after my “Born Again” night. See my first post if you don’t know what that means.> After my mission trip to Honduras, I came back with a little bit of every single feeling/emotion in the history of mankind... Bitterness, anger, sadness, confusion, hopelessness, joyful, blame, quiet, uneasy, happy, proud, nervous, excited, hatred, guilt, did I mention bitterness? Oh and more bitterness. The short trip completely flipped my world upside down and I was more confused than ever. I experienced the presence of God and Satan more times than I can count during that week. It was my first mission trip and nobody could prepare me for the emotional and spiritual battles I would encounter. When I returned home I went through different stages over the next year or more… I was sad to leave and I missed the people there. The next phase was confusion…was I supposed to be a missionary? Was I supposed to go back after college and teach those poor, some homeless and orphaned mountain children their ABC’s and Jesus' love and promises? Why was I born in the US if my heart longed to be somewhere else? Another phase was one that stuck by my side through thick and thin and was fully committed to making my life miserable! You guessed it, bitterness. I was bitter towards almost everyone, everything, every business, restaurant, school, church, cars (yes I know, crazy) and everything else you can think of. Innocent children were the only ones who escaped my hardened heart but their parents sure didn’t! The bitterness was coming from a deep root in my inner being that I never knew existed. I didn’t understand how I could live in such a self-absorbed, greedy, never satisfied, self-centered country. There was never one direct event that changed my heart either. It came down to my own selfishness that I couldn’t stand. I heard a podcast the other day that said “If there is something that you can’t stand about someone, go home and look in the mirror and take a good hard inventory of yourself and see if there is any of that “thing” you can’t stand lingering inside of you.” I realized it was much harder (so I thought at the time) to have strong faith, fully trust in God with every aspect of my life, and have as close of a relationship with Jesus in the United States. It would be easier if I could just move to Honduras and not have to work at my relationship with Him as hard as I was going to have to where I was born. It was a process that took time, soul searching, and really figuring out what a relationship with my Father looked like for my life. I can thankfully say that I now know what is like to have a solid relationship with my Jesus regardless of what I have or don’t have, like or don’t like, experience or don’t experience.

 The challenge is this: Discover for YOURSELF who Christ is, what relationship you have with Him, why you believe what you believe, and truly living the life He has planned for you. I’m tired of our generation (and others) not standing up for what they believe, saying and doing what is right and honest regardless of the earthly consequences. The most important thing in this life is Him and loving, serving, and caring for others like Jesus would. I’m not a fan of luke warm believers and neither is God. Be obedient. Challenge yourself. Challenge others. Help each other. Be accountable. Be transparent. Love like Christ loves. Follow your heart. Be crazy radical compared to the rest of this world. Trust Him. Fight for what is right and good. Don’t ever give up. The battle is already won. Do whatever it takes… calling into work, taking a break from school, break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, be open with your family, read a blog, go on a mission trip, read your Bible, listen to worship music for hours, get on your hands and knees and cry out to God, love your neighbor, listen to podcasts, quit your job, BE UNCOMFORTABLE. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR YOU TO DISCOVER CHRIST, the actual Christ. Not a make believe, only when convenient, world/flesh created idol named “Christ”. God never says anything about being comfortable with your life. If your life is “boring”, rediscover your actual beliefs… Jesus is everything but boring. I love the adventures, through rough and smooth, sad and happy, He is always there and always has a purpose for the situation. TAKE A STAND and discover this magnificent Everything. James 4:14 says “Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.”

Born Again

          In my head (and dreams) I write blogs, stories, letters, books, and many other unrealistic “masterpieces”. But when I go to write, I have so much to say that I can never get all of the words out (or I make run-on sentences like this one), and when I do get words on the page, I erase them, rewrite them, become a perfectionist with my grammar and punctuation and eventually get too frustrated to get the first sentence done. I’ve decided that no matter how much I may dislike this writing, or however many mistakes there are, I’m going to finish it and finish it in less than 5 hours! J I believe that Christ uses us and our stories to share His good news, show His love, His grace, His mercy and give HOPE to people who don’t have any. I first want to encourage any of you who are reading this but don’t have a blog because you don’t think you’re “good at it” to open Microsoft Word, notepad or whatever you have and just start writing! If you’re anything like me, you will feel so proud of yourself and relieved to finally get something on paper, regardless of who reads it or how many mistakes you find!

Here we go…

Today’s post is a song. This song came on the radio on my late, long drive home one night and it was the moment I realized the life I was living was not glorifying anybody, not even myself. I was raised in a Christian home with the best parents anyone could ever ask for. I did the “church” thing all my life until I turned 16 and thought I knew everything and I quit “church”. I’ll share more stories of the time in between 16 and 20 later but for now, I am so thankful for this night and song and an undeniable presence of Jesus Christ in my truck. For me, it all started that night. And by all, I mean EVERYTHING. My world was rocked and I haven’t been the same since. Praise God! Let me back up just a few minutes and give you some details. I was at my boyfriend’s house getting in my truck after another destructive and hurtful night. As I left, I turned my radio on, which was set to TRASH FM (pop/rap) and I reached over to change the station to MAKE ME FEEL BETTER FM (country)…we all know that heals our wounds…not! ;) well instead of the station I had set on my radio coming on, MAKE YOU FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT YOUR LIFE FM (Christian) came on. You know I’m right about these radio station descriptions lol I will honestly admit that when I haven’t had a great day, and by great I mean I haven’t been the most Godly person, nice person or even had anything positive to say about anyone, I will turn on pop/rap or country. The last thing I want to do is turn on Christian radio and feel bad for the sucky person I’ve been that day. Now there are times that I turn it on to put myself in check and get refocused, but I wish I could say I did that more often than the other. Anyways, when my radio didn’t obey me, for some reason I still decided to listen to it. It had been quite a while since I listened to 94.9 (Christian station) (for many reasons that I still struggle to listen to it today but we won’t go into that!). The song that came on was a new release and the intro was much more “rock” than the other “pretty” typical songs that they played. I was intrigued. After listening for a few seconds, I pulled over on the side of the road to really listen to the words…I can remember being numb, tingly and I felt like you could hear my heart beat 5 states over. I then began the ugly cry… you know what I’m talking about! Tears, snot, gasping for air, and ugly snorts all flowed from my body. I was shaking and totally overwhelmed by what I now know as the Holy Spirit. I really don’t know how long I sat there but the only things that came out of my mouth were “I’m so sorry, please forgive me, what do I do now? How can You really love me this much?!” The rest of the drive home was a blur and even the next couple of days were a blur, too. All I can say about that night on Highway 50 is THANK YOU JESUS. Here is the song that changed my life on that depressed, damaged, lonely, late night.

BORN AGAIN- Third Day

Today I found myself

After searching all these years

And the man that I saw, he wasn't at all who I thought he'd be

I was lost when you found me here

And I was broken beyond repair

Then you came along and you sang your song over me

 

It feels like I'm born again

It feels like I'm living

For the very first time

For the very first time

In my life

 

Make a promise to me now

Reassure my heart somehow

That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything

I've a feeling in my soul

And I pray that I'm not wrong

That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

 

It feels like I'm born again

It feels like I'm living

For the very first time

For the very first time

It feels like I'm breathing

It feels like I'm moving

For the very first time

For the very first time

 

I wasn't looking for something that was more

Than what I had yesterday

Then you came to me and you gave to me

Life and a love that I've never known

That I've never felt before

 

It feels like I'm born again

It feels like I'm living

For the very first time

I'm living for the first time

It feels like I'm breathing

It feels like I'm moving

For the very first time

I'm living for the first time

In my life